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Thu, Jul. 16th, 2009, 01:59 am
his clothes are dirty but his hands are clean

sometimes i feel like all i do is work anymore, but then somehow there's still not enough money and it's still not enough hours and i just keep trying.


stress. stress stress.


living with tess is fun. we've been having adventures, and it's so easy living together. tonight we went and got slushies and went to the roof of the parking garage on east ave, and just stood looking at the city until some security guard came and started yelling 'let's calm down, let's calm down' at the two of us (who were being silent and thoughtful at the time, leaning on the railing) and made us leave.


tomorrow starts a tumultuous several weeks that are going to topple me over with the craziness of them. it's like sitting on the edge of a storm, in the sudden calm, with the air all full to bursting.


i work both jobs tomorrow, then katie will be here, then there's amtgard, then working friday, then saturday buying katie's wedding dress and packing, working sunday, leaving sunday night, seeing sean, going to katie and matt's wedding monday, then monday night we leave for new mexico, and drive and drive and drive across the entire country. a week gone, two insane drives, one of the biggest amtgard events in the entire country, hundreds of people i don't know, forcing myself to be brave and make friends and meet people, then all the way back home again. work my ass off for three days, then leave for botd, drive all night, play capture the flag all day. sing. run through the woods. back home again.

collapse.


i don't really know what to do with myself.


besides go to bed, since i have to be up for work in six hours.

Sun, May. 10th, 2009, 09:12 pm
this gigantic robot kills

so.

life.

moving in a couple weeks. riley and mike have already moved out, katie has started, and tess and i will be getting our place right at the end of the month.

i have a tattoo now, pretty and in the middle of my back. a piece of knotwork that has a lot of personal significance. it is a môr cylch, an endless knot. it is harmony and balance and eternity.

i'm working at the tea store still, and also at abundance, the food co-op that laurie works at. i like both jobs very much, and they're both pushing me to be more concious about the world and what i'm consuming and doing. which is good, because i'm becoming healthier.

amtgard event season is starting.

so much work to get done.

Wed, Jan. 28th, 2009, 11:14 pm
corroded

i love when shit explodes.

i haven't felt so livid in a long time. not sure if i've ever felt so angry that i felt like i was going to vomit before. first time for everything, i suppose.

tess and i are talking about moving somewhere entirely random when my lease is up at the end of may. nashua, pittsburgh, california, virginia beach, somewhere, anywhere, that isn't here.

i'm so tired of bullshit.

but you know, i'm the bad guy, and everything is my fault, and i'm a horrendous bitch, and my friends are not my friends and people don't like me anymore.

i never asked for a pedestal.

our current plan is somewhere random for six months, then probably home to syracuse for a little bit to save up money again, then maybe, MAYBE rochester if things have calmed enough that i can stomach this city again. or maybe buffalo. or maybe somewhere new and exciting.

life is an adventure, and i want to live it instead of stagnating and being stuck in this rut of a city.

Wed, Jan. 14th, 2009, 01:27 pm
of cars and, well... crashes.

i hate to be the bearer of bad news, folks, but for all those (like me) who loved sandy's sweet ride? it is no more.

nNo worries, sandy and i are both ok- well, more or less. sandy's got a broken collarbone, but i managed to make out with just a lightly bruised set of knuckles (which are TOTALLY from punching the other driver, not something lame like accidentally punching the dashboard. pffft.)

for the nitty gritty, we were driving down east henrietta on the way to meet people for wing night, and going through an intersection where we had a green light. an oncoming car thought we were going to be making a right-hand turn to take the 390 onramp, so they decided to make a left-hand turn to also take the onramp. howeverrrrrrrrrr since we were in fact NOT turning, and going straight.... there was a bit of an impact, you see, and some car scrunching, some explosive in-the-face-airbags, and here we are.

sandy is with john for probably the next few days, so send her your love!

i'm going to go find something constructive to do and try to not think about airbags blowing up in my face.

see you cats around.

Sat, Jan. 10th, 2009, 07:29 pm
never wanted to dance with nobody but you

i find myself wondering a lot lately how many times you have to give up in order to find the real answer.

i'm being dragged to vertex again this week. well last week wasn't dragged... it was because nate is my buddy and we hang out like awesome people yo. what. this week tho, i think i would be shot if i didn't go. oi.

i'll play the game.

life has been interesting. back and forth on things. i'll think a door closes and then something else will open, or i'll take a second glance and maybe it's not shut all the way. just need patience, i suppose. which i generally have in loads.

i found a good word processing program that i plan on using. you know. to write with. i started to do some writing last night and found old plot outlines and such and started working on character charts, as i'm often wont to do, so that took up most of my night instead. oops. but having the background makes writing easier. funny how things like that work, eh?

i need to go wash things so i have something to wear out tonight. hooray for being the dd... oi.

Tue, Dec. 30th, 2008, 01:41 am
retrospective

joining i'm sure the many people posting things looking back on the year, and returning to something i've done in the past as well....

what have i accomplished? what do i have to show for myself?

left the job that wasn't making me happy. found one that does.
went back to ireland, reset my internal balance.
moved, again.
made new friends.

and.... what? travelled a lot. went to amtgard events.

haven't finished any of my stories.
haven't written a book.
got myself into lots of debt that i'm having trouble dealing with.

but overall i'm pretty happy these days, which is important. there's always stressers, and always things to worry me, and things that get me down some days, but i have friends who are worth their weight in gold, and who treat me well and take care of me.

i learned some things about myself, i learned some life lessons, i learned how to be alone without being lonely, i let go of some things that i was clinging to for too long.

i think for the new year, i need to set myself some goals. i'm going to be 25 in may (dear god i'm old.) and i need to have some things accomplished. i NEED TO WRITE A BOOK. i need to finish something before i turn 25. i need to have something to show for my LIFE. i need to be productive, i need to seriously set myself on the path that i've been talking about for so long and slightly meandering down but not going very far. every time i see my dad he asks me how many pages i've written. i need to be able to honestly tell him 'fifty' or 'a hundred' or 'a thousand' when he asks me, not dodge the subject or make excuses for myself.

i need to stop being afraid that i can't do it and just do it instead.

new year, new resolve.


(also, nate rocks :p)

Sun, Dec. 7th, 2008, 07:55 pm
tea, life, and etcetera

things with the new job are going well. tea is good, and the store is awesome, and the people i work with are fantabulous, and i've been making friends in and out of the store which is good :) i still rather dislike malls, but my store is worth it.

life in general is okay. i've been working a lot as we've already lost a person or two, and trying to cover for that and sickness and such. i don't sleep enough, as usual, and the mild insomnia combined with my tendancy to wake up for random periods in the middle of the night doesn't help with that.

the house is in a bit of turmoil. josh just moved in, sandy will be moving out. there's talk of aaron moving in, but tess is supposed to in a few months so we'll see what happens. we might keep the house when our lease is up, we might move on. things are up in the air.

i want a ska band.

i drink a lot of tea now. it's good.

Mon, Nov. 24th, 2008, 05:02 pm
finding perspective

on my drive home from work today, i saw a homeless man begging by the side of the road. for those of you familiar with rochester, he was standing at the end of the 490 offramp to goodman st, where people stand to beg fairly often. i've seen plenty of people there before, and always felt that lurch of guilt in my stomach that i couldn't help them, but driven on.

today i felt something different. don't know why. the man standing in the wet, sleety rainy snow was holding a scrap of cardboard, and stuff was written on it, but really all i could see clearly was the word 'FOOD' in large letters. and i just felt the need to do something.

when the light turned green, i turned onto goodman st and went to the closest wilson farms. i got a cup of coffee, so he'd have something hot to drink, and i got a turkey sub, and went and got back in my car. getting back to the corner he was at required swinging around to get back on the highway one exit back, but the stretch of highway around here has lots of close exits so that was easy.

the light was red, and i had my window already rolled down, the bag with the sandwich in my lap and the cup in hand. i called him over to me, and noticed his whole leg was in a brace, and he had trouble walking to me and more trouble stepping off the curb to take the cup and bag, but he managed. i told him that i had seen him and gone to get him food, and he just kept saying 'thank you baby, god bless you, have a happy thanksgiving, thank you', over and over. he stepped back up on the curb, and went to the safety rail by the sidewalk to eat, and the light turned green and i turned onto goodman street again to go home, and just started crying.

i spent most of my drive home worrying about the fact that my paycheck this week was messed up and only for 15 hours instead of the 55 that it should have been, worrying about money and such, and this man has nothing. things like this always put so much in perspective, and sometimes i really need that jolt to look at things around me.

i'm appreciative of all that i have. i have food in my cupboards, i have a roof over my head, a dry place to eat and sleep. i have my family in syracuse, and all my extra family here. i have plenty of people to take care of me, and feed me, and keep me warm.

thanksgiving is this week; i was already thankful for quite a bit today, but now i'm thankful for a whole lot more; i'm thankful for absolutely everything i have, and everyone i have.

Sun, Aug. 24th, 2008, 09:33 pm
a horrible wake up and etc.

aug 23, day nineteen, saturday
5:40am - i just had to change clothes and beds because, no lie, the guy in the bed above me either has a leaking water bottle or a leaking bladder. i can hope for the first and yet it's probably the latter. i woke up with whatever dripping down, my blanket and bed half soaked and my pajamas wet. EWWWWWWWWWWWW. i couldn't even fully explain to the guy at the desk because his english is good but not perfect.

if my stuff gets wet i'm going to seriously kill that guy.

i'm just. possibly too grossed out to fall back asleep. i'm going to try.

i've never been a fan of top bunks but i'm going to use them as much as possible now.

forever.

12:10pm - so i went back to get stuff this morning and both beds are wet still. so. so. gross. they switched me to a different room for the next two nights thankfully. yuck.

and of course it's raining. lovely.

dark knight is 5:15 tonight and tomorrow, so i'll probably go tomorrow. i guess the gallery and last tourist shopping today. i hope ti's nice out tomorrow so i can at least go to a park since everything else will be closed.

you know, you hear crazy stories about hostels; i heard someone saying the other night taht she'd been talking to a french boy and then he tried crawling into her bed. but i've never had anything weird happen until now. anything so insanely GROSS. top bunks, and travelling with other people, from now on. if a friend had been on that top bunk, i'd have been fine. i don't think any of my friends wet their beds.

i sincerely hope not.

i'm taking a long shower tonight. i did take a short one last night, but i still feel just gross. all over.

time to get out of here.

1:28pm - man today is working out to be full of suck. my card got declined at the store earlier and i don't know why. i came back up to the hostel to check my account and besides owing a stupid amount of money nothing flagged. i don't know if it's a thing because my payment is late or because it's a foreign charge, but i haven't had any other problems and i've been here for almost three weeks. i'm just worried about the fact that the 16 euro i have is not going to be enough to get to both dublin and the airport. i sent katie and riley both an appeal to get even a bit dropped in my account to cover bus fares. i just don't know what else i can do. i'm going to have to make the food i have last me until i leave wednesday, which should be do-able since it's only four nights since wednesday i'll get fed on the plane and can eat when i get home. i have oranges, pasta, and soup still, and a bit of bread and jam, so i shoudl be ok if my card continues to not work. i just don't know what to do about the flag for jess :( that was the thing i hadn't bought yet and was going to get today; i got the other stuff i really wanted today already.

it's raining more steadily now, i kinda don't want to go back into the city today. it's just not a good day for me, it seems. how frustrating. maybe i'll see if i can watch a movie in the cinema room or something if no one else is using it. i don't feel like getting soaked outside. not even the gallery is enough of a draw to get me to want to go back out again right now. i'm tired from crappy broken sleep and frustrated and just in a bad mood and going out in the rain is not going to improve thigns. arrrgh and rawr. i think i at least want to go sit in the cinema room if it's empty since it's quiet and secluded in there and i can't move into my room until 3pm.

1:57pm - there are always italians, no matter where i go. i think they travel in packs.

3:10pm - sin city for the win.

also better room for the win.

4:07pm - the dvd keeps freezing rawr! the player is all the way back at reception so i can't do anything about it.

playing again.

5:40pm - ah, sin city. i haven't seen it since the last time i was in cork. it was good to watch it again. other people came into the room right towards the end tho so i've lost the room for the rest of the day, likely. i might go watch another movie tomorrow if it rains again and if the room is clear.

my bed in my new room is a top bunk, and it's a more spacious 6-person room. easier to breathe in there.

7:20pm - i have discovered that chunking up my chicken nuggets and dumping them in my soup makes them infinitely more appetising. it also makes the soup a little heartier. these are some of the blandest, worst chicken nuggets i've ever had, but i guess you get what you pay for. and i didn't pay much at all.

7:40pm - the nice thing about top bunks is there's enough room to sit up. i took the bunk right under the skylights, so tho the light is on right now since two german girls came in and turned it on, i don't actually need it on still. i wish i'd had this room the past eight nights! if i ever stay here again in a dorm-style room, i'm going for a smaller room. and a top bunk. i also discovered a much nicer shower room than the two i've been bouncing between, and plan on venturing up there for my shower tonight. much nicer part of the hostel. there are two sections of building with rooms; the section i got put in this morning is the same as where the other bathroom is. hooray for discoveries.

man, german is a funny language to listen to. especially with a random english name through in or an irish place-name. adds entire dimensions to it. it's not as musical as other languages for sure. one of the german girls is staying in the room, her name is iris. she's cute.

8:23pm - i dislike when people interrupt my solidtude, tho only five people is better than seven. i shouldn't be too ridiculously upset, they paid more for this room. of course, they also didn't get mysteriously moistened. that, i'm rather sure and quite hopeful of, was a fate seemingly reserved for just me. a fate i would probably not assign to even my worst enemies! ...probably. maybe i would. maybe that should be my new curs - 'yeah, well i hope you get mysteriously moistened!' it has kind of a ring to it, but then i'd have to explain and that would just get tedious. especially if i wanted to use it on any kind of a regular basis.

tomorrow is my last day in cork.

i was going to go to newgrange on tuesday, but i apparantly have no money so i guess i'll use that day for the national gallery and hunting down harry clarke stuff. just be chill around dublin. i'm going to have to hand-deliver postcards when i run out of stamps, without money to buy more.

ok so iris is not german, she's austrian. that's cool. the other two girls in here are from france. there are two more people i haven't seen yet.

i love having to explain that i live seven hours from new york and near niagara falls every time people ask where in america i'm from. i'm tempted to just start saying that i'm from toronto or something, since i know toronto and i hate new york. i sound canadian anyway... wouldn't be too much of a stretch at all.

i crammed everything into my bags this morning, but tomorrow i'll have to repack things for travelling. i'm a master at cramming luggages full, and if i can fit as much as possible in there, the lighter my backpack the better. it's small enough that travelling down the hill to the bus station will be easy, and travelling to the hostel in dublin from the bus station will be a cynch. not even a five-minute walk from bus aras.

the french girls seem nice; we just chatted for a few minutes about travelling alone. they've met other people, mostly australians, travelling alone, and said they can't imagine going so far away by themselves. i used to live here, so that's part of why i've been ok, i think; i can't imagine going as far as australia to ireland alone, tho. it's twice as far as new york; katie is crazy for wanting to go to new zealand. brave. very brave. and maybe we'll just be able to go together instead.

i just need to take care of the debt from this trip before i go running off on another one, tho. which will take a while.

9:29pm - i think i'll retreat so the french girls can go to bed. writing in the lounge go!

aug 24, day twenty, sunday
11:01am - i'm in direr (?) (more dire?) circumstances than i realised. i forgot about the fact that i still have to pay for my hostel in dublin. but my mommy, my glorious amazing mommy, is saving me. she is phenominal, and sending me a little bit of money to make sure i'm ok. i don't care what anyone says, my mommy is the best mommy in the entire world.

my parents in general are pretty awesome. (and yes i know at least my dad will read this. hi dad. you're awesome.)

i think it's drizzly outside, but i want to at least walk around some. since i don't have the money to go to newgrange now, i can spend tuesday hunting down harry clarke stuff, so tomorrow i can linger a little here, go to the gallery since i was too downtrodden yesterday, then take an afternoon bus so the money from mom has time to go in because of the time difference.

everything will be ok. i'm lucky to have people who can take care of me.

12:28pm - i am moving on whim today, and headed for fitzgerald park. i got to the end of the pathway that runs by the river, and turned into the ucc campus instead. and i'm glad i did, because i think this is prettier than naz, and naz is gosh darn lovely.

the south branch of the lee borders the north end of the campus, and i'm currently sitting on a lump of cement with my feet just barely in the water. it's cold or i would put them all in. the river is cold, that is; the air is war, the sky is at least mostly blue, and the sun has come out for my last day in my city. the fates have finally smiled upon me.

the south branch of the river is much smaller here, tho it still flows at a pretty decent pace. it's lovely, with the campus on one side and the other side lined with houses and gardens and the like. there are jesus bugs as we called them as children, little water striders, moving around near me by the bank where the flow and current lessen. if not for the sound of nearby traffic, this would be the ultimate place.

i can see a cat in a garden across the river. i miss puck. it's black, so really it should make me miss bast instead. you'd think.

2:35pm - i'm now sitting in a secluded little nook near the end of a path by the river. i just explored the gluckman gallery, which is doing an exhibit on books as art and a way to convey such things, and it was interesting but had a lot of that pretentiousness of meaning that i dislike in modern art. some of the stuff wa really neat, like a project one person did of going through the library by dewey decimal system and retrieving bookmarks; it was neat to see all the random scraps and bits he found. i'm kind of tempted to go to naz and do the same thing myself.

4:30pm - i just saw a heron. (for those who don't know, katie and laurie and i named this summer the summer of the heron. so herons are special.)

hopefully it's a good sign; the last live heron was a good sign for one of the people at the sighting. (the heron we named the summer after... was dead. hah.)

i can only hope.

5:15pm - back in fitzgerald, sitting on a bench by the river. i sat by the fountain for a while as well, and just rhought. the light on the river right now is beautiful. i'm going to miss this river, this park, again, and always, until i come back once more.

i think i am overall satisfied with my last day in cork. i walked a lot, i saw beautiful things, i saw a gallery and an exhibit of ogam stones (one said AIDAN! rock on.) and i put my feet in the river lee, in my river.

i just looked up and i can see another heron in the river in the distance. two in one day? most unusual. it's pretty far away or i would try to get to it to take a photo. the last one flew away before i could.

i need to repack and go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight so that i can check out on time in the morning. then i'll have a few hours to kill before my bus - i want to go down to the gallery. walking down then back up should kill a good portion of the time, then i could always go to the bus station early and just sit there with my stuff to make sure i'm not late for my bus.

so strange to be leaving tomorrow. so strange. and it'll be stranger still when i actually climb on that bus and leave my cork again. i won't be leaving myself time to do much in dublin tomorrow, but i can check into the hostel, eat something, then just go walk around for a bit, by the river there. i haven't seen the liffey at night before, really, so i should give it a chance.

tho it obviously won't compare to the lee, of course. nothing could.

you know, having not left cork, having just walked around the city even sometimes just a little bit each day, i still don't feel like i've wasted any of my time here. i don't regret not going out to visit kinsale or cobh or fota or anywhere else. cork has been me retouching base with myself, relaxing by the river or by the lough and i've started about five stories here, and one is nearly done, and i've done lots of thinking and reflecting and introspection. i mean, this whole trip has been lots of those things, but especially cork. i don't think i've quite refound myself yet, there are still a lot of internal questions to ask and ground to cover, but i'm at least on the pathway now. i've started. and i intend on continuing the way i'm going. many things have clicked here, i have felt change, and this is the beginning, not the sum of it. one of the things i fear most in life is stagnation, and i'm afraid i was getting pretty close to it internally at the very least, and i think this will be, from here on out, me reversing that, stopping the stagnation and beginning to grow again.

i do have to point out tho to all of the movie critics of the apparant cinema feature which they consider my life, that no handsome young irishman has swept me off my feet as they surely predicted, and i am about to leave cork. i mean, i could fabricate epic stories about a lad named liam or diarmuid or connor or nial sweeping me away, but it would all be stories and i couldn't hold them up for very long because i'm very bad at lies. it just wouldn't hold. so apparantly my movie critics are wrong. i am sad to say that i am going to disappoint them, and then we shall all move on from here. to which they will exclaim, 'but you still have two more days!' to which i reply, 'yes, but it's not going to happen.' and it shan't. sorry, guys. my life is not a summer blockbuster, but rather a b-rated flick at best. no romance, just mundane things like internal growth. which is generally not that exciting to those who are external.

the chill wind is picking up; time to walk one more time back through my city to the hostel for the night.

8:48pm - people are in the cinema room so no movie for me tonight. i'll probably just get online and type since i don't want to be up too late tonight just in case my alarm fails me. i have everything ready for tomorrow, clothes laid out and everything so that i just have to shuffle what i'm wearing now and what i'm sleeping in around for when i leave. there are very noisy people in the hostel tonight. it's odd to be coming to the end of my time here. one night, dublin, then home and i have to wake up from the dream again.





...i don't know that i'll be on the computer in dublin much; probably just once or twice. not nearly as much as i've been online here in cork, because i'm going to have to pay for internets again.

i'll be home wednesday around 7pm local time- i'll sign onto msn and aim when i get home, but will be around with the roomies showing pictures and unpacking and doing laundry and decompressing, so i may not actually be at my computer much.

cheers!

Sat, Aug. 23rd, 2008, 06:44 pm
another long one, on parks and sun and such.

aug 20, day sixteen, wednesday
1:18pm - apparantly the museumm closes for lunch, as i just got caught up byu a security guard and walked to the cafe. they open back up in an hour or so. i was all wrapped up in exhibits about the war of independance and didn't notice that the rest of the museum had emptied out. they have proclamations and newspapers and all kinds of things from the war and from the civil war that followed. it makes more sense to me than it did the last time i visited the exhibit, and makes me want to get through that history book i have at home and really learn about this stuff.

i discovered, by backtracking over a bridge that i saw two people cross that i'd seen near the park yesterday, a riverside walkway that comes out right near the park and is quite lovely. the walkway and the mardyke bridge that end it near the park were not complete when i was here before; i remember them working on the bridge but had no idea about the path. it stays right along the north bank of the river, and was a much more peaceful walk and much quicker to get to the park. there are actually two sets of brief rapids in the river, one before the mardyke bridge, which was what i could see yesterday, and another close after the bridge that looks the rougher of the two.

it started to rain as i walked out here today, and seems overall like it's going to be a damp day. the rain earlier was light, almost like walking through mist, and the whispy way it falls reminds me a lot, again, of how snow falls. it almmost feels not worth having an umbrella for, but it's cold enough when walking to warrant one for sure, tho i didn't put my jacket on until now, when i'm sitting still.

and the sun never ceases to amaze me and just came out. i swear, the weather here is as bad or worse than rochseter at times with its fickleness. i can see some blue sky where there was previously just gloom. sigh. if only the blue sky and sun would prevail! i don't think there's been one day this entire two weeks that it has not at least sprinkled. i don't even require a bright sunshiney day; i just want it to be dry.

there is a fat little brown bird with an orange face and throat and tan belly nearby. he moves with very quick, sudden movements. a little tiny feather just drifted ito my book; i put it between the previous pages so that it doesn't blow away.

i talked some with an australian girl in my room last night, as she woke up when i came in to get stuff for my shower. we talked some about the book i'm reading and about cork and where things are and what there is to do; she's here doing a class at the university and has been longing for a park so i directed her to fitzgerald's. i hope she likes it out here.

i wonder at which point the river stops being affected by the tides; this far up the banks are full, but back where i started to follow the riverside trail the level was down because of the tide. maybe the rapids are a cut off point. it has always interested me to see the differences in tide level, not only because it reveals the infamous shopping carts.

sun's gone back away. i think i'm going to read to pass time until i can go back inside. i would get food ehre but i still have no cash on me and it's likely all overpriced anyway, so i'll just eat later. i'm not really hungry anyway since i had breakfast this morning before leaving. funny how breakfast makes you not hungry for a few hours. imagine that.

unknown - man, masses of bratty italian school children really know how to ruin a nice quiet museum. they really drive me nuts.

5:59pm - just finished the book of lost things and it was beautiful. what a fantastic book. made me cry, right here in the middle of the park, by the fountain. it's interesting, the power books can have over our hearts.

there was a neat exhibit on a group that i didn't even realise existed in ireland of travellers, a nomadic minority part of the population that have been around for hundreds of years. as part of the city of culture thign that was going on in 2005, they worked with the local groups of travellers to create a traditional barrel-top wagon and everything, that is now being exhibited in the museum here - the exhibit opened around the time i left before, so i didn't know about it tho i remember the room it's in being closed. the gold exhibit that was here then has changed to one on archeology in the area and some neat discoveries made over teh past few years. really makes me want to be an archaeologist. i know, i know, i'm already having enough trouble with the path i started myself on, this is no time to be even attempting to change gears.

there's sprinkling on the water but i feel none myself. i just found 20 cents between my feet that's been here the entire time i've been sitting but i never noticed till now. man, i'm observant sometimes.

the flowers on the lilypads are still open, drinking in the last of the light i imagine. what's left of the blue sky. i swear i can see the rain falling on the fountain but not on me. it's in the air between me and the pool seven feet away. where is the cut-off point? somewhere in between in a most ridiculous fashion. i feel like i should put my umbrella up but there's nothing to protect me from.

one of the black ducks just walked across the lily pads. now another is. they look awfully goofy doing so. this one is a baby, with black feet, and puffiness in its feathers. his lilypad sank and he had to swim but now he's walking again, sinking bits as he goes. did people come up with puzzles for videogames like that by watching ducks? kinda makes you wonder, sometimes, where the ideas come from. the adult walks faster and flaps his wings some to help. they make a sweet little whisltly sound at each other.

one of the larger ducks just looks stumped by the lilypads and swam away. there are advantagse to being itty bitty little ducks, that is for sure.

it's getting colder and later, and i should be moving. iw ant to pick up some groceries on my way home sicne i realised what i had won't go as far as i hoped since i've been eating breakfast and dinner both, but that's not a bad thing since i'm eating healthily isntead of sparingly. most of the stuff i need more of - soup, bread, etc - is really cheap, so it shouldn't cost me much to supplement what i have left for the next few days.

it surprises me how fast my days in cork have gone. i'm half through and haven't left the city yet to visit any of the nearby places like fota or kinsale or youghal like i wanted, but really i've been relatively content. it's been nice to read and write at night, really; i should appreciate more what i've been able to get accomplished.

and now the inevitable sprinkles start to hit me, so i suppose it's time to wrap up another day here in the park and head out for another night of attempting to find focus so i can get some writing done, since i didn't do any yesterday besides journaling and i want to get some down.

'cause as the book of lost things speaks true, stories want to be told, so i need to work harder on telling them.

'OGWAS ONLY'
8:40ish - ^-- that was the remains on a sign along the river walk and i thought it should be written down - an ogwa could prove to be some fell beast, afterall. (it originally read 'dog waste' but ogwas is much more sinister.) i should have photographed it; i may go back to do so later.

my new aussie friend has actually been living in ireland since she was 10, as she has one parent from each country, which explains her softer accent. we may go to a pub together tonight. we have yet to exchange names. i'm sure this shall happen if we do go out. if not, then i'll do some writing and read my hilarious book. hurrah.

9:42 - no pubbing tonight, but i hung out with joan some in our room and we talked about random stuff and i told her about amtgard and she thought it sounded fun. she's heard about similar games and such around europe and been interested but hasn't gone to anything. the common room is really full but it's still a bit early to get online so i'm actually in the reception area room, where there are some really cool tables with singer sewing machine bottoms to them. definitely cool tables. they're blue painted metal with plain wood tops, and the stools are padded so at least they're comfy. the drunk irish girl who was on the roof the other night is in here talking to a random person. she's pretty noisy.

i don't know if my hands are cold or my forehead is hot.

talking about amtgard makes me miss playing and being home. i haven't gone this long without playing since the stretch of months between when i left for ireland last time then came home. it's weird to have not played, tho at the same time, time has been passing so weirdly for me that it doesn't feel like it's been very long at all. or like it will be long before i'm back all of a sudden. i'll be on a plane and flying home with barely knowing that i've left. and it'll all be like a dream but the whole month will have passed and i won't know where it went. the half of my time here is already gone, most of my trip is, and i don't know where it went, really. but i can see it, part of each day, by turning on a camera and flipping through the pictures that read out everything that i've done and been doing. i've taken a picture of myself every day besides the very first day i was just on planes and in the airports. there are only a few pictures, maybe four or five at most, of me from the last trip, so i've taken a picture every day, faithfully, besides the day with linda and marie because linda took one of me that day instead. there's a record, a trail of me written along, a way to see the places i've been, and this book and the last book and the next book to keep track. and now onto the next book to continue. (end of second book.)

(start of third.)
10:04 pm - i just finished off the last book so here i am again starting another new book. i really like these little books, i may go get a few more at eason since they're so cheap. and i like the paper in their pages. and how the right kind of pen feels on them. i kinda wish i'd started with a larger book, but these are also so wickedly portable. i think i'll get one of those silver sharpies to label the outsides of them to tell them apart. right now they'll be easy since this one is flat and new and the other one is the fat and slightly fluffy of a book taht's been fully written in and is filled up with notes and words and thoughts and ideas. it's filled with where i've been and what i've thought and all sorts of different colours since i've been switching around my pen inks to keep the days seperate to make it easy to flip through and find things. the colours aren't in any order, they won't be in order here, just days and thoughts and events all written out on pages so i can't forget and so i can see where i was and where my thoughts were. where they might be going next. remember things taht maybe i meant to think further on but my thoughts changed too quickly to get it all down before it was too late. sometiems i think too fast and go in too many directions and i can't write things down fast enough and they blur because my fingers don't work quickly enough and i leave out letters of words and write thigns like 'thend' instead of 'the end' because they share a letter and it all just becomes one. or i leave letters or even once in a while a whole word. i get too fast in my head. too much. a touch too much. i miss my music, i can't wait to lie in my bed with puck and just listen to my music and be warm enough to need my fan. the music here around reception isn't all bad, but even tho occasional songs are ones i know it's not -my- music. next time i go travelling alone, i need to have an mp3 player. it would make this trip so much better, to be able to listen to a certain song at a certain time. i just get the songs inside my head instead so i sing them to myself in my head and that's the best i can do. i forget how much music is part of my existence until i'm completely apart from it, or out of control of it. i want to be cruising down the highway with katie listening to one of our mixes, rocking out with sandy to suburban legends, anything.

i'll be back to it soon. until then, cork cork cork! appreciate where i am, take it all in. love it because coming back here will be rare but my music will be constant. it's a fair trade off, for a few weeks at least. having both would be a dream. next time, next time, as i keep saying.

i need to get my act together and write and send postcards. i'm a jerk and haven't sent any in a week. what a bad friend i am. i shall amend it, but not tonight. i'm too lazy and tired.

aug 21, day seventeen, thursday
11:13am - i was considering going out to fota today, to walk the arboretum and see the house again, when i realised that i don't really wnat to. if i had someone new with me, to show them, i would go. but i've already been there and seen it, and i also realised... i don't really want to leave cork. as little as there is to do around the city, really, i don't want to go anywhere. i want to be in cork. which really may not sounsd that exciting, and what did i come all this way for to not go anywhere or see anything... but i came to cork for cork, really. because i missed this city.

i think i'll try to get out to the lough today, or go walk around the university campus. walk the other branch of the lee, take some photos of the city. i can definitely find stuff to do to occupy myself for an entire day; it'll take a while to walk to the lough, it's pretty far south of the city centre. there's also park areas along the river towards the bay that take quite a bit of walking to get to as well, that are also pretty nice. i kinda wish i'd brought my map of the city with me; there are little free ones here at the hostel but they really only cover the city center and that's it.

time to use my natural sense of direction to go get myself not-lost...

random thought of the day, first - how weird must it be to live close to a time-zone change and work on the other side? you'd be on a bonkers schedule with having to go to bed at weird times and get up since everything would be skewed in one way or the other. i could see it being kinda convenient one way- you work at 10 instead of 9 in your local time - but if you lived and work in the other direction you'd work at 8 instead of 9. suck. but i suppose you'd get out of work a bit earlier, too. which time would you set your watch to? how weird would it be to have your phone and laptop automatically adjusting to the time difference so when you look at them it's the time where you are instead of where you live? what a headache. i imagine after a while, it might be condusive to moving to the other zone so you're only in obe but making plans with friends on the other side could still be a headache.

also random amusing side-note: most people i've met have thought i was canadian by the sound of my voice. this amuses me - i don't hear the accent in my own voice at all and thought that i'd lost my canadian touch. apparantly not.

12:26pm - i'm in bishop lucey park again just because i felt like coming here for a bit. it's much quieter than it was the other day but still has plenty of people floating around, sitting on benches having lunch, so on. i think i can see someone sleeping on a bench near the fountain here, too. there's a really cute little blond boy near me, may be 2 at the most, and a couple other little ones. one is playing peekaboo with people from a distance and is laughing with delight. pigeons make weird noises. the little blond boy's laugh makes me think of hunter.

i kinda want to look into renting a car for just one day to go out driving tomorrow or saturday. see how much it costs. probably what i would have to spend on bus tickets if it'd gone places around here. maybe see how much a couple days costs, and drive myself to dublin and go to the hill of tara and newgrange on my own instead of with a tour. the girls said their car was only 189 euro for ten days; a three day rental might not be bad. if i can figure out where to park it in dublin. i could even drive myself to the airport. being able to go where i want along the way might be worth it. it would make me more condusive to leaving cork during the day. and i'm pretty sure i could navigate around all right on my own. and if ic ould drop it at the dublin airport when i leave, it would just be convenient. i'll definitely have to check prices when i get back tot he hostel. i could do stuff like drive out to mizen head and stop to see random small sites along the way to dublin like we did on the way here from killarney and i could take a scenic route to dublin instead of the boring way that the bus goes. really really like this idea. i'll have to see what my guidebook says about parking in dublin too.

there's a gardai yelling at some kids right now. asking for their names. they were a bit obnoxious; i wonder if they're repeat offenders that he pounced on them so quickly. not the first time that i've seen garda talking to kids in the park.

the sun has come out, so the park is really quite lovely right now. the ground is all dappled with leaf shadows and the sky is the bluest that i've seen it so far. there are still some lurking clouds tho, so i don't have my hopes up too high and i have my brolly in my bag with my jacket just in case. because i know the weather this summer, and it's pretty ridiculous.

1:34pm - i made it here with only one small turnaround, as the street iw as on didn't connect to the street i wanted. i wouldn't consider it lost, as i knew exactly where i was in relation to where i wanted to be, but the streets just didn't connect so i had to back up very mildly to where they did, which was about one minute backwards, so i wasn't even very far off. it did, of course, sprinkle briefly while i was retracing my steps, as if to say 'HAH you can't get there from here.'

you know, for all the rain here i haven't heard any thunder or seen any lightening. interesting.

the surface of the lough looks almost like liquid silver from the grey of the clouds. my blue sky has of course mostly gone away, and the wind is picking up here. i think i'll move to a bench near the wall, there are trees there to provide more cover.

3:26pm - i'm glad i stayed out here, as the rain didn't last and the sun's come out and it's really turned quite lovely. i read a bit and have gotten soem writing down and shall do more. it's interesting watching people around here; there was an old man and his old dog who just sat at the next bench over for a while, and people who run loops around the outer path i'm sitting by, and kids playing with footballs and hurleys. the water sparkles in the sunlight, and the swans are lovely swimming and flying around. i'm tempted to go sit in the grass or at least on a bench in the sun. i think i shall, while i write my story.

...ah, the sun is so warm! i think naptime, for a few minutes at least, is called for. this is just too lovely and i haven't had such a chance yet. take it while i can.

a bit later - man, no regrets. no regrets at all. this is just. the nicest thing in the world. i don't want to go anywhere or do anything, just lie here and soak up sun. it's so peaceful. there's a collection of five old men nearby and listening to them is almost like music. i can't hear well enough to know what they're talking about but it doesn't matter. two older boys are playing with a football nearby, setting it back and forth almost like a volleyball. ah, brilliant sun. when i lie back and squint my eyes just so, the whole sky looks blue and i forget about the clouds entirely. there's a fairly large cloudbank coming, tho, so i may stop being lazy and get back to writing soon.

7:57pm - i was going to make today my no-spending money day then i went and picked up the luggage on the way bcak. it's not huge, just over backpack size, but it was only eighteen euro, and it's red with white flowers and i thought that was fitting.

....so, got online, looked at car prices. it's $300 for a car for five days if i get an automatic... only $111 if i get a standard. ridiculous. i've always wanted to learn how to drive standard... it may be time for a crash course. i'l have to see if joan knows how and wants to go on an adventure with me...

i'd REALLY like to save the $200. it would be entirely worth it. i mean, i'm tempted to just go and figure it out since i know the basics of driving standard anyway. i could do so much more stuff! i long for that freedom.

i realised earlier that even tho i do miss people at home, i haven't been actually lonely in days. i've adjusted. i'm enjoying being alone. i'm pleased by this. i think it clicked while in killarney, when i was loving it in the woods.

fancy that, i grew up a little bit.

i really like the new story i started writing today. it has more of a classic fairy tale feel to it, and i like the style i'm writing it in. it'll be fun to play it out and see how it goes. it feels more like a short story than a longer thing, which is good because i need to get better at short things, because short things have an ending and so many of my stories do not. and i can feel where this one is going, and it's leaving a space to link a related story as well, which could be naet to tree a whole bunch of stories together.

could be quite fun.

aug 22, day eighteen, friday
10:49am - i'm doing it, i'm being brave or stupid or something. i'm on my way to the airport to pick up a car and teach myself how to drive a standard.

this will be an interesting adventure.

11:17 - well, made it to the airport despite getting off in the business park by mistake since i wasn't paying attention like the smart girl i am, so i had to walk through the business park and found my way, but now i have to wait until noon to pick up my car so i am chilling in a chair waiting. this is such a bad idea, but i read instructions and shirley gave me advice and so long as i can get moving i should be ok. i understand the principles of it, and have watched people drive it, and if i die then at least i had an adventure, eh? it's all about new experiences and adventures and the pure freedom this is going to give me is just. nearly unspeakable. this is going to be fun. i know for sure. and i really genuinely think i'll be fine figuring out how to drive the car. of course if i'm not then... i don't know. but i'll manage it, i'm sure.

12-something - well, that was an utter waste. i feel almost like crying, since i feel so stupid. the insurance would have doubled what it cost, and i couldn't afford the originally very affordable car. i wasted my morning, and seven euro coming out here. so much for an adventure and freedom. i feel really dumb. i suppose wasting seven euro is better than spending $200 on a car, but i was really looking forward to the whole thing. now i just... feel like curling up in a ball somewhere. stupid stupid. why did i not wonder about the insurance first? that the car was so cheap? at least i saved a euro and fifty cents by presenting my naz card as a university card and having the driver accept it even tho it's not the international student card that most places require instead. i'm just glad my naz id doesn't have an expiration on it.

my stomach feels very unsettled today and i felt earlier like throwing up. i want to just be back in cork now, instead of sitting on a bus waiting, or home. just not here, where i just made an utter fool of myself. man i suck.

i'm going to stop feelign sorry for myself and get on with life now.

1:20pm - back in cork, back in bishop lucey park, with a one-euro cheese sandwich i bought in the market. the weather is gloomy. if i wanted to be emo, i'd say it was like my soul or some such nonsense.

2:23pm - already finished my margaret atwood book. i can't really afford to buy more books, so i think i'll restart portrait since it was so dense.

it's chilly today. i wish i'd worn pants with my skirt like i'd originally thought of.

i feel listless. i don't want to go back to the hostel but i don't want to really go anywhere or do anything. i wish it was warm like yesterday.

i wish i hadn't filled my head with ideas of freedom just to have them dashed. but i decided i'm done feeling sorry for myself so i'm not going to stay on that thought.

a kid just fell off his bike because he was trying to impress his friends and had the front wheel popped up. he looks fine, tho. hopefully he'll learn not to bother.

it's an odd moment, when you can tell you're falling, about to fall, going to fall and there's no way around it, that moment when you know the ground is coming up to meet you because really you're going down to meet it, and you're helpless, utterly, and there's nothing you can do but fall.

and what if you can't get up?

11:15ish pm - yeah, excessive pen colour changes today. whatever. (on the fourth colour with this entry.)

i mailed 24 postcards tonight. i am mostly done with them. mostly. the girl at reception was like 'you have to spend at least six euro to pay with a card' and i was like 'yeah... i need 40 stamps, so...' and she didn't actually have 40 i only got 34, so i have 10 left, but i need a few more postcards.

i went out to find a post box, and got myself a magnum bar to cheer myself up after dropping an obscene amount of money on stamps, and walked around the river some and took a few pictures of the city. it is so pretty at night! the river, the lights, ah cork. it made tonight a good night, when the rest of today was fairly blah.

i need to go buy flags tomorrow and the last few presents here, since shops will be closed on sunday. if the theatre is open sunday i might go see the dark knight then; if not then i'm just not going to afterall, which is a bummer. not sure what i'll do sunday. probably go to fitzgerald or the lough again. i also want to go see the harry clarke stuff one more time tomorrow <3 before i can't see it again. and the adonis statue that feels so compelling to me for some reason. the gallery isn't open on sundays, so i definitely have to do that tomorrow so i can catch an early bus on monday to dublin so i can try to go see some of harry clarke's glass at the gallery in dublin. i need to figure out exactly where the window of the eve of st agnes is so i can try to see it. like i told alison, if i can see that then i'll just. die. right there on the floor. of pure happy. and awe. i don't know how i'm going to handle it.

god i'm a nerd.

you know, if i'd gotten the car i probably would have like. run into a cow or something horrendous, because my life works like that, and i'd be all alone with no cell phone and stuck somewhere crazy with a car that i could barely drive and a cow. so it's probably better for me in the long run that i'm stuck being a pedestrian here. i may really have died or something. or killed a cow. maybe a sheep if i was lucky, since they're smaller at least and would have caused less damage. sheep everywhere in this country, you know. climbing all over the hills. messing with the travellers, poor girls who are just figuring out how to drive in this crazy country.

malevolent, evil sheep. you'd be surprised. they hide behind those fluffy exteriors just to fool you. for real.

i think such musings mean it's time for me to go to bed. i'm just getting crazy while everyone around me is getting drunk or going out. to get drunker somewhere else. i'm such a lame-o. go to ireland and go to bed at entirely reasonable hours on a friday night.

these times are when it would be ncie to have a friend to go out with. i still don't feel -lonely-, i just feel lame for not going out. but i won't go out alone, sooo here i am. and joan left, so i don't have anyone to go out with.

three more nights in cork, two nights in dublin, then home. how strange. and really, home is two nights in my bed, then out to fury almost right away. it's friday; one week from now i'll be at fury or on the way to fury. probably there by now. and by now i mean whatever time it is there now, so sometimes around 6ish. i'll be there for sure by 11, unless something wacky happens which i sure hope won't be the case at all. there might be crazy sheep between rochester and new hampshire, tho, as i've never made it to gv proper so it woudl figure for something to keep me away now that i'm finally going. and sheep, man, theyre just dangerous creatures when aroused in anger. they are a force to be reckoned with. you do not mess with those sheep, man. you just don't.

and as i contine to ramble in ridiculous fashion, i should jsut go to bed. go sleep since i keep making less sense. and babbling about sheep.

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